Dealing with imposter syndrome

A first-year perspective

The crisp morning wind was a breath of fresh air, blue and white balloons danced in the sky, and the chatter of hundreds of students played like the scherzo of a symphony. It was Fall Campus Day, 2018. The University of Toronto campus was buzzing with the energy of the excited current students helping out around the premises, mixed with the nervous, doe-eyed prospective students trying to make their way around. OUAC (Ontario Universities’ Application Centre) applications had just become available, but I wouldn’t be submitting mine for another couple of months. Even though in the back of my mind I could already envision myself going to this school, there was another part of my brain casting doubt upon whether I’d get accepted, do well, or just so much as belong here. Even after receiving acceptances to both the university and the first-year Vic One program, I thought that it must have been a mistake. For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt as though the people around me have put me up on a pedestal I don’t belong on. That those who believe in me have misplaced their faith. That all my achievements are flukes. That I’m a fraud.  

You know when you’re in the middle of saying something, but you can’t think of a certain word, and then someone chimes in with the exact word you’re looking for? That’s precisely how I felt a year ago when I discovered a TED-Ed talk by Elizabeth Cox entitled “What is imposter syndrome and how can you combat it?”. 

Imposter syndrome is a phenomenon in which an individual will doubt the validity of their accomplishments and experience the fear of one day being exposed as a fraud. Even highly esteemed people, such as Albert Einstein and Maya Angelou, experienced these feelings. Einstein once confessed his feelings of fraudulence to a friend: “The exaggerated esteem in which my lifework is held makes me feel very ill at ease. I feel compelled to think of myself as an involuntary swindler.” Angelou has also admitted to feeling like an imposter: “I have written eleven books, but each time I think, uh-oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.” Even though Einstein’s and Angelou’s achievements are rare, imposter syndrome is more common than you might think. Around 70 percent of the population has experienced it at some point in their lives, according to a 2011 study published by the International Behavioural Journal of Science.  

Dr. Pauline Rose Clance, who was the first psychologist to study this phenomenon, alongside her colleague, Dr. Suzanne Imes, first experienced imposter syndrome when she was in graduate school. It wasn’t until she became a professor at an academically reputable college, where she heard her high-achieving students describe the same feelings she had, that she and Dr. Imes decided to study the phenomenon. In the beginning, they believed that imposter syndrome only affected women, but much more research has been conducted to build upon the foundation they set. This research shows that these feelings can manifest in any high-achieving individual, regardless of gender. However, imposter syndrome seems to be more common among people who belong to underrepresented groups. A study from the University of Texas found that dealing with imposter syndrome worsens mental health issues that are already associated with the struggles of being a student who belongs to an ethnic minority, such as Black, Asian, and Latinx populations. Even though “imposter syndrome” is not listed as an official diagnosis in the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders r(DSM), many psychologists still understand that it encompasses very real feelings that can result in poor mental health and even anxiety and depressive disorders. 

So what exactly can stir up these feelings in an individual? The environment in which a person grows up plays a significant role in who they become as they mature. Parents who frequently switch between over-praising and over-criticizing their children can sow the seeds of imposter syndrome. The societal pressure to constantly be accomplishing our goals and striving for better ones is another factor to consider. Especially in the age of social media, where we can see all the incredible things that everyone around us is doing, it’s easier than ever to belittle our own achievements and push ourselves past healthy limits to overcompensate for our perceived shortcomings. Perfectionism is a character trait that can also lead to feelings of fraudulence, and it can manifest in two ways. An individual experiencing imposter syndrome may procrastinate due to the fear of not being able to meet their own high standards. Alternatively, this person may overwork themselves in an effort to ensure that their work will meet their lofty expectations. Neither of these behaviours are ultimately productive, because they can take an incredibly large mental and physical toll on a person—they have certainly taken a toll on me. 

High school felt like a breeding ground for imposter syndrome. One of my favourite parts of those four years was being a part of my school’s vocal jazz ensemble, although it was a bit of a journey to get there. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve loved music, and my high school music program allowed me to explore that passion more deeply than I could have ever imagined. After performing with the concert choir in grade nine and doing well in the vocal class I took that year, I decided that I would audition for the more challenging vocal jazz ensemble the following year. When it was time for my audition in grade ten, I was a mess. I had so much trouble sight-reading a few bars of music, and I could barely hold my own part in the audition piece while the director harmonized with me. Needless to say, I didn’t make the cut, and I was absolutely devastated. That experience pushed me to work harder at becoming a better vocalist. I practiced sight-reading and harmonizing every day, to the point where it was almost obsessive, and the director was gracious enough to offer me a second audition after seeing all the effort I put in and all the improvements I had made within such a short amount of time. But even after getting into the ensemble through my successful re-audition, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I didn’t get in the first time, and that led to me feeling as though I didn’t belong there. I felt that all of my achievements as a leader in the group weren’t a result of anything I did. When someone congratulated me on a successful performance, I thought that they were simply being nice to avoid hurting my feelings. Whenever I was selected to perform a solo, I thought that the director just pitied me and wanted me to feel better about myself. Even when I received leadership and honour awards at the Ontario Vocal Festival and MusicFest Nationals, I thought that I didn’t actually deserve them. I carried these feelings with me through my final performance at commencement. 

Now that I’m starting university, it seems like all these feelings of insecurity have amped up due to worry and fear of the unknown. The University of Toronto is a top-ranked university. The sheer size of UofT’s St. George Campus, both physically and in population, is enough to make most students feel as though they don’t belong here, with the towering buildings and towering competition. In a school as reputable, intimidating, and academically rigorous as this one, I’ve found that it’s not uncommon for students to experience imposter syndrome. 

Over the summer, I joined a Facebook Messenger group chat with other students in my program, where we discuss various topics ranging from television shows to U.S. politics. Over the course of a few months, many of us have bonded through shared interests and passions, but another thing that brought us closer together was our shared feelings surrounding starting school at UofT. Many of us feel inadequate, unqualified, and that although our abilities have brought us this far, they cannot help us succeed at this school. It’s definitely scary to have to start a brand-new chapter in your life with these constant negative thoughts in the back of your mind, but it certainly made me feel better to know that others are in the same boat as I am. Even though UofT is a massive school, making connections with other students is crucial to helping me feel less alone. Forming a sense of community can help students combat the feelings associated with imposter syndrome, because it allows us to share our experiences and know that our voices are heard. 

I’m currently in the process of shifting my mindset from believing that if I’m not immediately good at something then I’m a failure and my past achievements must have been flukes. I’m sure many students are able to relate to my experiences thus far and to these feelings of inadequacy. Not only do these feelings hinder us from trying new things, acquiring new skills, and building resiliency, but they also feed that voice inside of us that convinces us that we’re frauds. However, it’s important to remember that although change takes time, there are steps we can take to combat imposter syndrome. Adjusting our mindset is an important, albeit difficult, step. It’s crucial to understand that nobody is perfect, and we simply cannot constantly ask ourselves to do even better as a way to compensate for feeling insecure. Learning to acknowledge and celebrate our achievements is another change in thinking that can have a significantly positive impact on how we feel. Even though this is easier said than done and can feel awkward or wrong at first, it can result in a more optimistic outlook on our accomplishments and fuel intrinsic validation.  

It’s important to set attainable goals. When we set unrealistic goals, and then, inevitably, don’t accomplish them, it’s easy to feel like we aren’t as great as others think. We can be proactive in dealing with imposter syndrome by planning out what we want to accomplish, figuring out what steps are necessary to take to do so, and realizing when we are expecting too much from ourselves.  

Talking to others about how you feel is a simple but effective way of dealing with imposter syndrome. Open conversations are crucial in making sense of how we feel and often lead to understanding that we aren’t alone in those feelings. You might be surprised to find out just how many of the people you know completely understand how you feel. Moreover, it can be beneficial to speak with someone, such as a counsellor or therapist, who will be able to help you break out of the thought patterns that fuel imposter syndrome. 

Even though dealing with imposter syndrome is exhausting, I hope that if you experience these feelings, you know that you’re not alone. Remember that imposter syndrome isn’t limited to the Einsteins and Angelous of the world. We are often our own worst critics, so it’s easy to diminish our abilities and credit our hard-earned accomplishments to luck, but with time and effort, we can unlearn these thought patterns and become more secure in who we are.  

A kaleidoscope of colour envelops the city, rooms slowly transform into homes, and we all begin writing the next chapter in the story of our lives. It’s Orientation Week, 2019, and I no longer need to imagine what life as a UofT student might be like because I’ve made it here now. I feel a strange sense of déjà vu mixed with nostalgia as I can vividly remember the first time I stepped foot on this campus a year ago, except now instead of feeling an overwhelming nervousness, I’m welcomed by familiar faces and a school that no longer feels so intimidatingly large and lonely.  

Even though the feelings associated with imposter syndrome may never completely vanish, I know that we’re all capable of working our way through them because we’re not alone, and we do belong here. To anyone who is dealing with feelings of fraudulence related to their place at the University of Toronto: your abilities brought you to this school, and they will take you as far and as wide as you let them.