Every February 14, people all over the world pretend that they super-duper believe in romantic love. They pay an inordinate amount of money for flowers and chocolate and other stereotypical gestures of affection. Sometimes, if you’re really lucky, you even get a special someone to call your Valentine! If you don’t have a date yet, check out our sexy, sexy masthead below.
We are now accepting applications at our office. Seriously. Call us.
Illustrations by Misbah Ahmed
Sabrina Papas
Position: HBIC
What is your type?:Student journalists.
What is a bizarre talent of yours?:Running a newspaper with a budget of zero dollars.
What is your motto in life?:Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.
What is your deepest fear?: Lola not getting what Lola wants.
Ainsley Doell
Position:Editor-in-Chief
What is your type?:All my TAs.
Biggest turn-on?:Academic validation.
Biggest turn-off?:Emotional availability
What is your worst dating story?:My ex-boyfriend fed me a peanut.
Rebecca Gao
Position:Sex Columnist
What is your idea of a perfect date?: You take me out and pay for my ramen. I’m asleep by 10 pm.
What is your worst dating story?:I went out with someone who wouldn’t stop calling me by my sister’s name.
What would you do for love?:I would do anything for love.
What wouldn’t you do for love?: But I won’t do that.
Tamara Frooman
Position:Senior Copyeditor
What is your relationship status?: Only willing to date people who are down to impregnate me in roughly five to seven years and then leave me alone forever to raise the child.
What is your motto in life?:“I’m tweeting about this.”
How do you usually end a relationship?:If you break up with me I might send you a text that is so long it auto-formats into a seven page pdf file attachment and I text you again six months later: “I don’t think you stopped loving me when you said you did.”
What wouldn’t you do for love?:Leave my apartment.
Leo Morgenstern
Position:Stranded Editor
What is your type?:Long hair, slicked back, white T-shirt / Good girl faith and a tight little skirt.
What is your relationship status?:“Wildest Dreams” by Taylor Swift.
What is your idea of the perfect date?:“Begin Again” by Taylor Swift.
How do you usually end a relationship?: NOT with a 27-second phone call, I’ll tell you that much!
Jay Bawar
Position:Design Editor
What is your idea of a perfect date?:Just guys being dudes.
Biggest turn-on?:InDesign proficiency.
What is your deepest fear?:Losing my AirPods.
What is your favourite book (that is not Infinite Jest)?:Infinite Jest II: Electric Boogaloo
Hana Nikčević
Position:Left Field
What is your relationship status?:Not dating my professors.
Biggest turn-on?:Gluten.
What is a deal-breaker for you?:Telling me I have Celiac disease when I don’t.
What would you do for love?:The Jackman Humanities Scholars-in-Residence program.
Jasmine Ng
Position:Podcast Editor
What is your type?: Lightly tanned, makes me smile, surprises me at parties, a little crunchy, filled with vegetables… A spring roll. A spring roll is my type.
Biggest turn off?:“Well, actually…”
What is your deepest fear?:Bugs Bunny… with a knife.
What would you do for love?:Pretend their homemade memes are funny. Because they’re trying their best.
Nate Crocker
Position:Social Media Manager
What is your type?:…oh, you know.
What is your deepest fear?:Not finding a partner through this Strandfeature.
Two truths and a lie?:I used to work for Lucy Liu, I cried on my birthday singing “This Love” by Taylor Swift AS Jane Eyre, I saw the bad musical If/Then, starring Idina Menzel, 15 times on Broadway.
What would you do for love?:Stay up until 3 am filling out this questionnaire.
Max Nisbeth
Position: Associate Stranded Editor
What is your worst dating story: She left the date saying “thanks friend.”
What is your deepest fear?: Dying before The Bachelorfinale.
What is your motto in life?: Spicy on the way in, spicy on the way out.
Two truths and a lie?: I like the colour pink, I like the colour purple, I like the colour orange.
Miranda Carroll
Position:Editorial Assistant
What is your relationship status?:Dating my boyfriend.
What is your bizarre talent?:I can make a sound like a train.
How do you usually end a relationship?:Facetime.
Biggest turn on?:Reading Anne of Green Gables.
Arin Klein
Position:Copyeditor
What is your sign?:Virgo
Biggest turn-on?:Having an office in the Jackman Humanities building.
What is a deal-breaker for you?:Not believing in the Oxford comma.
What is your deepest fear?:That John Mulaney wouldn’t like me.
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