Boy dinner

The food pyramid is a sham. Carbs, vegetables, fruits, they all pale in pertinence compared with the one true food group: protein. The men are ahead in this discovery, spreading their grain-free gospel across the web. Times are a-changin. The kitchen shall no longer be a stereotypically feminine sphere, but a lab for scientific, nutritional exploration, with a team of nine brave men rising to the task. 

But enough from me, I’ll let the male ingenuity speak for itself.

Do you cook?

[ANONYMOUS]: Cooking is a strong word.

Charles: Every time I give an opinion

[Anonymous]: I bake, microwave, reheat and toast.

Liam: No I only bake

Five of the nine respondents (not featured here), contrary to popular belief, responded that yes, they do in fact, cook. It would seem the boy dinner diners employ various cooking techniques, from baking to reheating to sharing their opinion (so on-theme).

What do you cook?

Patrick Ignasiak [5’8]: Are you a cop?

Cid: The question should be who do I cook

Charles: Whatever they’re eating in Studio Ghibli movies

[Anonymous]: Anything that’s yellow and comes in a cardboard box.

Liam: I only bake pumpkin pie

Some respondents dine in Ghibli aesthetics, some prefer earth tones, others display incredible devotion to pumpkin pie. A few brave souls correct the interviewer’s line of questioning, or demonstrate a concerning level of appetite…so hungry they could eat a human. 

Would your food taste better if a woman made it?

Charles: God I hope not

Cid: I think it’d taste more like her

[Anonymous]: Doubtful—box food is not variable in quality.

Liam: Only if that woman knew my special recipe on the back of every tin of pumpkin I find

[aNoNyMoUs]: When I’m being lowered into my grave and my dirge is playing, the question won’t be “can a woman do what he did with a grill?”,it will be “Will there ever be another walk of life who can grace the planet with their meat the way that guy did?” For there will be a void left behind in my passing over to the heavens that will burden future generations until the sun consumes the earth the same way my meat was consumed by my contemporaries.

Mack: 100 percent the food would taste better if a woman made it, but also now thinking that wording is a bit odd, cause like what would make it better, the traditional roles forced upon women even in current society to be able to cook and therefore know the kitchen and how to use it. So is that why the food would taste better because of the performative gender roles placed on modern women? But yes, food does taste better when cooked by a woman because they put so much love into everything they do because they are fantastic!!

What would a men’s interview be without a surprise comment on feminism? I applaud Mack’s conscientiousness. [aNoNyMoUs] displays a curious level of self-confidence. Cid’s ravenous appetite is making the interviewer pale in fear.

Would you cook for a woman?

[ANONYMOUS]: No I only cook for twinks 🙄

Cid: does a lion hunt for its prey 

Patrick Ignasiak [5’8]: I do everything for my wife.

Liam: No, I’d only bake pumpkin pie

[Anonymous]: If she had a gun

[aNoNyMoUs]: Yes but I only accept crypto these days

Max: of course, because women shouldn’t be in the kitchen

Now here’s where things get interesting. What could be more manly than men cooking FOR men? When did Patrick Ignasiak [5’8] get married? Should women expand their culinary arsenal? Max and [aNoNyMoUs] astutely observe the changing times, currency included.

What’s stopping you from cooking for a woman right now?

Patrick Ignasiak [5’8]: schedule II narcotics restrictions

Max: homosexuality

Charles: No bitches :(

[Anonymous]: She doesn’t 

[aNoNyMoUs]: Perfection takes time and time is all too scarce.

Cid: cooking a woman right now

Liam: Some people mistakenly believe that pumpkin is a seasonal flavour

Mack: You’re right, I should go cook for a woman now, they deserve some good home made food made with love, they work hard to keep us as a society going!

Max, less fruit, more protein. Charles, get bitches. Liam is making the interviewer crave pumpkin pie.

The piece de la resistance, hat would you call a boy dinner?

[Anonymous]: Sabre tooth tiger killed with bare hands

Charles: Starvation—sustenance is a feminine trait

Max: Dino nuggets with a sprinkle of creatine

[aNoNyMoUs]: pack of cigs, five gum, and a shot of battery acid

Patrick Ignasiak [5’8]: love and poetry

[ANONYMOUS]: Raw meat and protein powder

Liam: Pumpkin pie and protein powder 

Mack: Protein powder

Cid: women

[Anonymous]’s appetite wiped out a whole species. Cid thinks Adam should have ingested Eve. The interviewer wonders whether Charle will make it to the next interview. The Love & Sex issue must’ve been a tasty meal for Patrick Ignasiak [5’8]. Three, maybe four, out of the nine participants confirm that protein powder is the staple ingredient of any male household.

So what is a boy dinner? Cannibalism? Protein? Are they one and the same? It seems I misspoke in taking ‘fruit’ out of the men’s food groups. After a long and harrowing journey into the male digestive system, the interviewer concludes that maybe men should just stick to pumpkin pie.