Top eight sexiest birds
At some point over the past year, I have become a ‘bird guy.’ I’m still slightly confused about how this has happened (definitely not because I have asked my friends to be quiet so I can listen to a bird call and try to identify it, why would you assume that???). And over the past year, I have realised that there are some birds that are just plain sexy. Without further ado, I give you an aspiring ornithologist’s opinion on which birds are the sexiest.
Secretary Bird
I don’t know what it is about this bird, but it’s extremely sexy. The sixth image on Google Images is Zootopia fanart, and now that I’m writing that, I’m not actually sure if that’s a pro or a con for its attractiveness. Fun fact about the secretary bird—it’s closely related to raptors such as hawks and eagles, but the secretary bird itself is mainly a terrestrial bird. It has a beautiful crown and also has some stunning orange eyeshadow, so you know they’ll give you great fashion tips.
Rhinoceros Hornbill
Just Google it, and you’ll understand where I’m coming from. They have a giant horn on top of their already long toucan-esque beak. It’s kinda a power move, but on the other hand, they might be compensating for something else, if you get my drift.
Frigatebird
The professor who teaches Diversity of Birds said this was his favourite bird, and in flight I agree—they have long elegant wings to help them soar through the air. However, during breeding season, the males will inflate a red pouch near their throat to attract females, which is—dare I say—quite sexy. This man will visibly proclaim his love for you and try to seduce you. The pouch may be red, but this is a green flag for me, y’all.
Lyrebird
This bird is a beautiful old dame who definitely killed her husband for the insurance money and is waltzing around in an old fur coat that she wore when she was a movie star in the 1940s. They’re named for their long, opulent tail feathers which resemble the shape of a lyre. Maybe she would also kill me, but she would look gorgeous while doing so.
Crows
This isn’t about appearance, but if you know anything about crows, you know they’re weird as shit, and that’s sexy to me. You know this bird would treat you right—they would bring you shiny gifts as a sign of their affection and peck out the eyes of anyone who did you wrong. What more could you want from a lover?
Fairy Wren
It’s giving fem twink, it’s giving fashion icon, it’s giving everything. Like a lot of birds, it is sexually dimorphic, with the males having a beautiful blue plumage, and the females being a duller light brown colour (I’m so sorry women, I do think you’re beautiful too). I could see myself buying this bird a drink in a dark club and dancing with him for the rest of the night.
Jacana
This bird is a DILF; I don’t feel like I need to explain myself. The fathers will put their offspring under their wings (which kind of makes them look like some strange eldritch horror) and carry them across wetlands. We stan a man who is there for his children.
Blue Footed Booby
This bird is called the blue-footed booby, I think that’s reason enough.
If you disagree with me about any of these, you can come find me at The Strand office on Tuesdays at 10 am.