The following questions are real submissions from real UofT students.
“What do I do if my friend told me I look like Steve Buscemi?”
That’s rough, buddy. Maybe get started on a hyaluronic skin care routine? I’m sure that your friend has your best interests at heart and doesn’t ACTUALLY mean that you look like a balding elderly man with yellow teeth. And hey—at least this means you would make the cut in a bunch of Adam Sandler movies! Get that bag, I say.
“What do I do if no matter what outfit I wear, I look like Wreck-It-Ralph?”
Wait, what’s wrong with that? He’s a super sweet guy who just wants to succeed at the one job he has. He’s great with children, he’s caring, he’s goal-oriented, and he takes care of his hair. Everybody loves him! Own the Wreck-it-Ralph core; great romantic prospects lie ahead for you.
“AITA if my roommate’s hamster crawled into my chili pot and I accidentally ate it?”
I’ve heard many traumatic hamster death stories in my life, but this one takes the cake. I have so many questions. Why was the hamster roaming free on the kitchen counter? WHY AREN’T YOU WATCHING YOUR POT?! I think you dug yourself into this one, buddy. Man, that poor hamster. I shudder at the thought. Apology video with tears, ASAP.
“I clogged my toilet with my chemistry textbook—what do I do?”
The answer is probably in your chem textbook, but it seems to pee out of reach for you. I guess urine deep trouble now. HAHA get it? Nonetheless, I respect the grind, my friend. Getting the readings in while clearing your body out, truly poetic. Jokes aside, I think that your only option is to file a legal complaint against the publishing company for not prefacing that the book is NOT toilet friendly. You’d think they’d make them so, given that the grind never stops! Tsk, tsk.
“I signed up for a dating show, but I accidentally landed in MILF Manor. Suggestions?”
I—um. Hold tight, hope is not lost for you. Just make sure you can distinguish between your own mom and the rest of the mothers; you don’t want to mess up there. Then, your priorities are to (a) grab a takeaway box and collect as MUCH FOOD AS YOU CAN (to bring back to me), (b) book a speedboat back home, and (c) prepare a long intervention for your mother, with a banner and everything. This will be a l o n g family conversation.
“I burped in bed really loud in front of my S.O. while we were reading and I said ‘oopsie daisies’ and now they won’t answer my texts, what do I do?”
I think this is a sign that they really, really hate you. If I were you, I would actually go on personal hiatus for a week and perform a bunch of spells to make sure they’re never able to send a text to anyone, ever. Plus, I’d start posting a bunch of obscure, passive aggressive memes on my Close Friends’ story, which only vaguely refer to them, yet are specific enough that they feel targeted. This is the only appropriate response, I’m afraid.
“How do I read 100 books this year, while having 900 followers, and get into Harvard Law school, and maintain my 3.98 GPA, and keep my sexy life crazyyyy, while satisfying my high-libido beautiful girlfriend, and get involved with campus politics, and be a good brother? I’m having trouble with time management.”
Seems like you’ve got a case of the busies. Solution? Just do it <3. Break that glass ceiling, get that bag, gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss, and force your body to evolve to running on solar energy & stale coffee to achieve maximum efficiency. Remember: the world is more afraid of you than you are of it. So, get out there and be an academic & social weapon <3.