Want,
desire,
yearning,
pining, craving,
weight… waiting.
The sickness,
aching,
longing.
Whatever the word may be to describe the hot burning sensation that pools in your gut and
spreads through your body like wildfire.
Each torch you dropped did not snuff out,
the amber still burns blue.
You stuff
and stuff
and stuff
to no surprise, you remain unsatisfied.
The definition of insanity is
“doing the same thing time and time again expecting a different result”;
this information has been hand-fed to me.
I’ve been shovelling silt into the sieve of my body,
hoping someone’s shape fits into the monstrous gap between
“myself” and
“I”.
“I” knows no bounds.
Used freely with loose lips and looser expectations, but “myself”?
My mother tells me to loosen the reins;
“Why do you feel the need to define yourself all the time?”
A logical woman.
I would say the same thing if I were 30 years my senior.
Without fortune or misfortune, I’m in the summer of my life,
looking for a sentence to memorize or
scribble on the inside of my palm that will make sense of what I have to come to be.
The feeling continues to change its shape,
blonde,
brunette,
tall and tender
or short and cruel.
However it may appear, the sensation transfers from one host to the next.
I do not mean to say that longing is a parasite,
Though it behaves in similar ways.
The host,
the body,
Whoever (or whatever) it may look like is the site from which desire will project itself.
Keep it in the bank and be reminded of the longing when it appears on the street,
or the bus
or the train.
See a handsome stranger in a crowd that is never them,
let the ache enter your bones marrow deep
(this is where memory is stored).
You have loved and been loved ten times over,
this fleeting moment where you believe you have lost the magic does not mean it is gone,
only that you have lost the faith it will reappear.
Whether you believe in God,
or the heat death of the universe,
there’s some degree of your personhood that exists between;
it is the sustained presence of faith that keeps it alive.
