An annotated breakup playlist

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Photo | Hana Nikčević

Dedicated to the only ex-boyfriend I’ve ever managed to remain friends with, who iconically texted me 15 minutes after we broke up to ask if he could still use my Spotify account because “some breakup music would really hit the spot right now.”

Organized by the five stages of grief.

 

Denial

“I Miss You” by blink-182
Don’t waste your time on me you’re already the voice inside my head

The voice inside my head has a dual interpretation: is the voice diminished, relegated to merely being inside my head? Or is this a reference to the absent presence of your outline, still tracing its habitual routes along my neural pathways? It is both simultaneously.

“Featherstone” by The Paper Kites
And my love is yours but your love’s not mine / So I’ll go but we know I’ll see you down the line

This song sounds like fairies singing in a moss-covered forest clearing. Initially the sentiment felt right. As it turns out both fairies and seeing you down the line are fantasy narratives. Denial songs are crutches to be used until what’s broken can support itself alone, though it might never heal completely.

 

Anger

“Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus
All I wanted was to break your walls / All you ever did was break me

The anger comes from the unrequited willingness to work things out and compromise and build something together. It comes from the futility of endeavouring to break the walls only to have them reinforced from inside. You can’t fix anyone who doesn’t think they need to be fixed—you’ll only break yourself in the process.

“Sweet Dreams” by BØRNS
You flipped the page and slipped away… You didn’t even call to wish me sweet dreams

It hurts when someone who meant so much to you one day just vanishes the next.

“Stars” by Grace Potter
I lit a fire with the love you left behind… And if I know you at all / I know you’ve gone too far

Suddenly, I have all this extra love and it can’t be redirected—it burns up, until it turns to ashes. You’ve gone too far. By leaving me you have done something I did not think you were capable of doing, and now I’m not sure I even knew you at all.

 

Bargaining

“Party Police” by Alvvays
I never really know what’s on your mind / is it ever me, or just someone you’ve left behind?

This song is about trying to know someone when you never really can. We bargain when we try to squeeze people into moulds they are not interested in fitting into.

“If You Wanna” by The Vaccines
It’s alright if you wanna come back to me

Bargains are what we cling to. Moving on would be easy if the end was certain. But what if he changes his mind and I’ve already moved on? Why is my own happiness the saddest thing I can imagine?

 

Depression

“Pills N Potions” by Nicki Minaj
I’m angry but I still love you

This track articulates the unique type of anguish that comes from the combination of anger and unrequited love—the anger doesn’t turn into distaste, it just amplifies the pain.

“A Case of You” by Joni Mitchell
Surely you touched mine ‘cause / Part of you pours out of me / In these lines from time to time

Just like blood and wine saturate material, leaving stains, so too do you saturate my thoughts. Your ghost remains with me and it feels unbearable.

 

Acceptance

“Thinkin Bout You” by Frank Ocean
Or do you not think so far ahead? / ‘Cause I been thinkin’ ‘bout forever

Acceptance is learning to sit with the uncertainty of whether they have been thinking about you too. It’s the parts of you that emerge when your existence brushes up against another’s.

“Girls Chase Boys” by Ingrid Michaelson
All the broken hearts in the world still beat

I always thought the lyric was “bleed” but it’s actually “beat,” so maybe I’ve been optimistic all along. I’ve been thinking about love as a series of small wounds we allow others to give us. Endurance is kind of amazing that way; it allows us to accept as sufficient what we are given, even when it is not enough.

“Green Light” by Lorde
Oh, I wish I could get my things and just let go

I didn’t like this song until it played one night when I was driving around the highways of my hometown. I realized it’s the type of song that demands to be played loud and at fast speeds in the dark. It’s a song that builds over its duration as well as its lifespan—each time I hear it now it sounds more triumphant. It certainly expresses anger, but ultimately it expresses acceptance. Not in the sense that Lorde is finally able to “just let go,” but because she reaches a point where she is able to sit with the awareness that she might never be able to.

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