Headline: 19 going on OLD Sub-headline: Reflections from a (former) teen on the monstrosity that is “growing up” By: Janna Abbas 1-800-SEND HELP!!! I’ve realized that I am, in fact, turning 20 very shortly. I was under the impression that I could keep on living in my sweet delusion that I’ll be a teenager forever. Quaran-TEEN No, I will not be discussing the fact that my last two years of being a teenager were spent in quarantine. Golden 20s Turning 20 has given me a new appreciation for The Great Gatsby. I am Gatsby, and my green light is a world in which I was allowed to remain a teenager forever, dammit! What the hell is NA?! I’ve just been informed that I’m no longer the target demographic of young adult fiction?!? Apparently, I’m a “new adult” now. I am now deeply afraid to reread my favorite YA books. What if I no longer like them? What if I no longer see myself in them? Forever 16 On an even more disturbing note, I’m now one year away from being the target demographic of Forever 21… “Cause all the music you loved at sixteen, you’ll grow out of” Well, Lorde, it’s been almost four years and all of your music has yet to leave my monthly playlists, so where do we go from here?! I should’ve… What do you mean Billie Eilish, Olivia Rodrigo, and Charlie D’Amelio are all younger than me and already more successful than I’ll ever be?? Brb, gotta go ponder where I would be if I’d made a TikTok dance video last year.
I’m late, I’m late!! I’m only turning 20. I know my life isn’t over (obviously), so why does it feel that way? Why do I feel like I’ve missed a deadline I didn’t even know about? Why do I feel… old? 19 going on OLD! What even is “old”? Why have I been taught to fear aging like it’s a monster that’s always lurking, always one step closer to me? Why, it’s the patriarchy, of course! Rule #1: Never ask a lady her age On top of being taught to hate everything about myself, I must now also hate the biological process of aging?! Leonardo DiCaprio’s GF The age difference between Leo and his girlfriends makes me scream internally. Got it: only men are granted the “luxury” of being more respected as they age. “Are we absolutely sure what direction we’re going??” What do you mean there are people who are “too young” to know One Direction?? Super cute, vintage, Y2K, galaxy print, mustache, 2014 Tumblr aesthetic… I once saw a TikTok video where the caption read: “I wish I was a teen during the early 2010s.” I simply refuse to believe that the era in which we unironically wore galaxy print is becoming a “vintage aesthetic.” It’s called adulting! You should try it some time. Am I now at the age when I get to call the completion of basic, everyday tasks “adulting” in order to fill the existential hole within me? Nice. Smells like teen spirit—or does it? If you really think about it, being a teenager absolutely STINKS! There’s a reason we all stare at our phones and cower whenever we approach a group of teens: the stench of unchecked egos and unsurmountable angst. “WhEN i WaS yOUr AgE…” To make myself feel better about all this, I’m going to start “when I was your age”-ing the shit out of everyone who’s even remotely younger than me. Women’s Pain The “Women’s Pain” speech from season two of Fleabag lives rent-free in my mind. Maybe realizing that you’re growing up is “horrendous [at first], but then it’s magnificent.” Most likely to: never get over high school “Your high school years are the best years of your life”—shut up, no they aren’t! Maybe you just peaked in high school!! Having my cake… I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to be participating in the “hating the fact that you’re growing up” narrative. … And eating it too It’s the end of an era, but it’s also the beginning of a new one. And you know what? I’m excited for it. I am gonna have my cake, and guess what? I’m gonna eat it too.