In Hollywood, not everyone can be rich, famous, or beautiful, or rich. Last week when Angelina Jolie, 41, filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, 52, everything seemed to change. For the past twelve years—including and in Pitt’s words “only” two years of marriage—the industry has followed the light that human wads of cash Brangelina have shone forth. Now, the world does not seem to make sense. It has been left in the dark, lost and unsure of where to go, cold and scared for the future. Who will Hollywood cast now in instant classics? In non-Oscar-nominated flicks? Who will H-town hire now as producers for the next instalment of Kung Fu Panda? For problematic stories about slavery? The industry is searching far and wide for someone—some couple—to fill the rift that Brangelina has unknowingly left behind. I believe that I alone, Celeste Yim, 20, am that couple. Sure, it might be strange to think that a small Korean recent-teenager such as myself could fill the enormous, custom-made Prada shoes of the beautiful, the white, the sickeningly rich Brangelina. And please don’t get me wrong! I don’t want to be beautiful or white, I only want to be really, really, disgustingly rich.
You might be wondering why it is that I believe that I currently am and have always been the next in-line Brangelina, especially given the fact that no Asian woman has ever been part of an “it” celebrity couple, never mind being a singular replacement for a celebrity duo or even remotely close to a respected and known celebrity in Hollywood at all!Ever since I was a little girl, (like at the end of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but a girl and Asian) I knew I was different. I didn’t care about dolls, I turned my nose up at wearing dresses, and I never fit in with the other kids. The only time I felt like I could really be myself, like I didn’t have to pretend, was when I was spending inordinate, almost illegal amounts of money.
In my opinion, Hollywood is cooked at the exact right temperature right now for totally unjustified and downright miraculous fame and fortune for marginalized minorities. We have all, for example, simply ignored true reality by unanimously agreeing that Jared Leto is a hot and famous person instead of naming him for what he really is: a walking talking lemur with a ponytail, a human face, and giant lemur eyes. If a lemur can make it, then surely one single Asian woman with no marketable entertainment experience can make it in the city of Angels—and money.
Another pervasive myth I want to dispel among the Hollywood community is the classic saying: it takes two to create a portmanteau. I don’t need a man or a woman or a large, seemingly infinite sum of money to do that myself. That is why, from now on, I will only respond to the name Celim! Moreover, I freaking love children! It actually just so happens that Brangelina’s truly tragic and remorseful split has come at the same time that I, a weak-bodied 20-year old student without a husband or any income whatsoever, am searching for six racially variant children of my own! Can you believe that? What a wild coincidence… And not only do I love children, I am also fit to be Maddow’s mother because I eat breakfast almost four times a week and I myself vary racially from white people in many ways! For instance, I am not white! This could be wonderful, financially stable common ground for my many new children and I to stand on happily together in this season’s aforementioned Prada shoes.
On the subject of white people and their inability to integrate non-white people into their social standards: I could also be the new Brangelina of The Oscars! What a fiasco the Academy Awards have been for people who have been fighting their whole lives to be recognized by the institutions which represent them—and here I am of course referring to: the Oscar winners themselves. It has been so difficult for these hard-working people to have finally won the most prestigious award in their industry while also having to deal with the annoooooying outrages of those who have been oppressed and silenced in the film industry for all of history. White, successful people really should be able to be white and successful without all the pressures attached to being the faces of systemic racism. If I were the new Brangelina, I would alleviate white people from such an irritating burden by edging each and every single one of them out of the entertainment industry altogether.Imagine if in Mr. & Mrs. Smith instead of two white people running around a house shooting guns, there were zero white people and a nice Korean girl eating a bag of chips on the couch. Or how about if in Fight Club, Tyler Durden were not a white guy playing a white guy’s conscience, but instead he were a nice Korean girl eating chips on the couch. What about if in Wanted, the white characters and the plot were totally different and Wanted were never produced. Wanted is a terrible movie. Not to mention, it turns out that I have the exact same amount of Oscars as both Brad and Angelina combined! Brangelina? More like Zoscars! (Zero Oscars). Samesies for Celim!
It must be so exhausting to churn out as many box office hits as Brad and to attend as many red carpet premieres as Angelina has had to for box office hits that Brad has churned out. I am prepared to take on those and as many emotional burdens as it takes to become the next Brangelina. And also the financial burden that it takes, too.
In conclusion, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, but for Angelina, it’s a sister-devours-brother’s-face world. The bottom line is: Angelina made out with her brother at a public, glamourous event at which there were many cameras. Look it up! And I promise, as soon as I have that sweet, celebrity incest cash, my first course of action will be the thing about firing all the white people. And the second will be using my Brangelina Bucks to hire someone to play my brother (also creating the first Hollywood acting role for an Asian man ever) and we will make out until the cash cows come home to my mansion and two hundred new children. I am the only answer to the gaping hole that Brangelina has left in the hearts of civilians everywhere and, if you let me, I will stuff that hole as dutifully as Brad Pitt surely has each and every one of the nannies that has ever worked for Brangelina and my new, formerly Pitt-Jolie children.