Each year, University of Toronto frosh are forced to passively discuss who may be this year’s UTSU Fest Concert performer, a question eclipsed in apathy only by “How’s the dining hall food?” and “What do you plan on doing with that degree?” While we may never know the answer to such queries, we can unhelpfully provide a list of everyone who has turned down the opportunity! Despite aggressive disinterest, the UTSU has—at no one’s request—to release the list of musical candidates who rejected the UTSU’s pleas to headline UTSU Fest. We did not ask them for this list, they just thought it might be interesting and, according to them, they “need the press.”
- Kardinal Offishall, who agreed whilst still at the level of fame he had prior to being mentioned by Drake on Saturday Night Live. He promptly dropped out.
- A collection of mothers performing that scene from Mamma Mia! where Meryl Streep sings “Dancing Queen” with all the Greek ladies of the island.
- A high school student wearing an authentic replica of the Ikea Monkey’s coat, who is easily mistaken for Macklemore in the “Thrift Shop” video but with visibly less confidence.
- Daryl Hall, of Hall & Oates fame.
- Drake, who literally performed voluntarily at Ryerson multiple times but, thus far, will not travel ten blocks north to grace UofT campus (and we are mature and therefore not bitter!).
- A therapy puppy from those stress-relief exam-time sessions who, despite not being an actual puppy but rather a small, old dog, would have totally rocked that Front Campus stage.
- Celebrity chef Lynn Crawford.
- Kalan Porter and Theresa Sokyrka, winner and runner-up of Canadian Idol season two, singing exclusively their duet of “True Colours,” which Wikipedia has called “arguably one of the most touching moments in Canadian Idol history.”
- Just the drummer from The Barenaked Ladies.
- John Oates, of Hall & Oates fame.
- Every Team Canada athlete at Rio this summer under the age of 18, who, along with being younger and way more successful than all of us in general, are probably more musically talented, too.
- Kardinal Offishall, but where he is both the opening and main acts and nobody knows why nor questions it.
Let us know at firstname.lastname@example.org who should be asked—repeatedly, begged really—to play in next year’s UTSU fest!
(Looking at you, Drake!)