UofT president shocked to discover students at own university

Last week, University of Toronto President Meric Gertler was informed that there are multiple students enrolled in the university. The long-time university president came under fire recently for his lack of action on fossil fuel divestment. In an exclusive interview with a correspondent for The Strand, he was asked to comment on student opposition to the move. Instead of answering, he squinted at the interviewer and mouthed the word, “Students?”

As the correspondent attempted to keep the conversation on-track, Gertler rubbed his temples. “Wait, what, you mean we have students? I mean, here? At UofT?”

When the correspondent affirmed that they themselves were, in fact, a student, President Gertler shook his head. “Nuh-uh. That’s…no way. I mean, I knew there were students at other universities. But…oh man, I’ve got to…” He pulled out his phone.

“Pamela, I heard this terrible rumour today. Did you…oh my God. Really?” There was a long pause in President Gertler’s response. “I mean, is that even sanitary?”

When Gertler was asked what exactly he thought the university was here for, he looked at the correspondent with a haunted look in his eyes and muttered something about graduate-level research.

After several calls to the university, the correspondent was no closer to finding a university representative who would comment on the issue. When asked to comment on the president’s complete lack of knowledge about the people he allegedly represents, a representative from the Provost’s office said, “Wait, ‘students’ are those little glass tubes they do science with, right? Like, the mad tiny ones?” The Office of Alumni Affairs sent The Strand a strongly-worded email saying that, while students were nice in theory, they would get in the way of the university’s real purpose: naming enormous piles of money after donors and then setting them on fire. The call to the Dean’s Office resulted in the representative trying to pretend that he was the answering machine to avoid answering the questions, a pitiful move that embarrassed everyone involved.

The Strand was also unable to get feedback from any of the university’s alleged students. Although our exhausted correspondent camped out in Sidney Smith for days, she was unable to approach any students with her questions about the university’s oversight. Apparently, they “scattered like gazelles” when approached by a person with a clipboard, terrified that they might be asked to sign something.

President Gertler was last seen wandering off toward Queen’s Park, tie askew. As of press time, the President’s Office has neither confirmed nor denied the existence of the 85,000 students ostensibly studying at the University of Toronto. The official statement reads, “Listen, we may have made some mistakes, but we think what’s really important is that we’re still Canada’s best research university. Oh wait, did McGill climb in the rankings again? Shit, we’d better check.”