Klingon-Speaking Students Feel Unheard in Regard to Cat’s Eye Water Supply 

 

On October 9th, the Klingon-speaking community at Vic finished their first meeting as an official student group. They’ve identified several issues, the most pressing of which is the need for water dispensers in the Cat’s Eye. 

The Strand reached out to Sting, well-known for his position as the Klingon Ambassador to Earth and lesser-known for his role as the lead singer of The Police, for a comment. He said: “cha’par watchers luj nuvpu’,” which has offended both bird watching enthusiasts and fans of the once-popular television series LOST. In lieu of this comment, The Strand also asked the Victoria Klingon Student Representative, Nax’ MisPeff for a quote on the matter; the following is his response as he said it, translated from Klingon to English: 

“We are deprived the very right to relish in the translucent nectar that you English-speaking humans call ‘water.’ How much longer shall you humans limit your evolutionary capability by forcing yourselves to walk for your water? To quench such powerful and barbaric thirsts, we must journey out of the Cat’s Eye, decide whether to walk all the way around or just do a little hop thing or ducky thing under the bar, then straddle the endless desert that is the Ned’s sitting area, only to have to manually fill our water vessels like some pre-Borg civilization. 

And once such difficulties have been overcome, one must gather the shattered remains of one’s empty soul in order to muster the sheer will to shamefully walk back across the plains of Ned. Sometimes being forced to tortuously and awkwardly wave hello to students you’ve previously passed on your first journey’s march.  

If you are lucky enough to survive such brutal destruction of the psyche and are able to re-meander through the maze that is the Cat’s Eye accessibility ramp, you often realize that you forgot something. Sometimes it’s the dressing for your salad, maybe a battle scarf (napkin), or maybe you just forgot your smoked turkey and Swiss cheese sandwich that cost you like six bucks and which you needed for your next three-hour block of class, but didn’t realize you had lost until half-way through the first class so you posted it on Facebook like, ‘Can anyone check if my sandwich is at Ned’s? I left it on the water dispenser,’ only to realize your friends do not value you or your lost sandwiches and think you are a big sandwichless idiot. If this is the case, you will once again be forced to journey across the scorching Nedian vista in hopes of salvaging a small piece of tattered cloth from the enormous war flag that is your eternal spirit. Put water back in the Cat’s Eye. #thecatneedswater Lojmlt ylpoSmoH!”  

We here at The Strand didn’t know what to do with all of this. We were actually more concerned about whether Sting had reached out to make a song about the struggle. We really want a comment from Sting. The comment that offended bird watchers and LOST fans, we made it up—I know. So, Sting, if you are reading this, please come back! We miss you. I miss you! Sting, come home. 

 

This piece is dedicated to Sting. Hab SoSlI’ Quch!