Reported sighting of The Handmaid’s Tale star and trained assassin Alexis Bledel outside editor’s home following the incident 

 

TORONTO, ON—a few days following the publication of The Strand’s third issue, a member of the student newspaper’s masthead reported a strange and frightening event that took place near their home.  

Many members of the Vic community believe that this is due to the questionable publication of an article in their “comedy” section, called “Does Anybody Know Who The Pilgrims Were?” which was falsely attributed to beloved Canadian novelist, Margaret Atwood. Sources report that many feel as though the Victoria College campus media’s weird and unfunny jokes have gone a little too far this time around.  

The Strand… they’re that fake newspaper on campus, right?” says frosh who has never actually read a copy of the paper because nobody outside of the Vic bubble actually cares about them.   

“I guess if I actually want to be taken seriously as a student journalist I’ll like, try and write for The Varsity. Have you ever read The Varsity? They’re like, the real deal. Everyone on The Varsity’s masthead loves talking about how great it is to be a part of The Varsity. They have an almost disproportionate amount of self-pride. That’s the kind of atmosphere I want to be a part of,” they added on a completely unrelated note. 

Anyway, these startling testimonies from The Strand’s Volume 60 masthead will shock you: 

“The other day, I was running late, when my usual morning walk to school presented a shocking turn of events,” says Molly Kay, one of The Strand’s Editors-in-Chief. “I was crossing at Lowther and Bedford, when I thought to myself, Could it be? And sure enough, it was. Alexis Bledel was literally across the street from me just, like, kind of staring at me.”  

“As a huge Gilmore Girls fan, at first, I was thrilled to have bumped into Rory on my morning commute,” continues Kay. “But after talking to some of the other editors, I realised that this was definitely, probably, maybe something more than just an innocent celebrity sighting in the Annex.” 

“When Molly first told me about her run-in with Rory, naturally, I was super excited for her,” says Hana Nikčević, Photo Editor. “But it wasn’t until I talked to [News Editor] Ainsley that I realised what was truly at stake here.”  

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” says Ainsley Doell, News Editor. “After reading our piece about her in the last issue, the Patron Saint of Victoria College must have called on Alexis Bledel for backup. Everyone knows that she went through like, CIA black ops training to land that role in The Handmaid’s Tale. They’re planning something huge, I can sense it. You know what they say: keep your friends closer and your enemies closer. Sounds about right. I feel like we don’t even know what’s coming for us.” 

Illustration | Emily Fu