The latest findings from the International Mothers Conference will shock you 

Mother’s Day isn’t for another couple of months, but moms worldwide were busy this past weekend as they congregated in Toronto for the annual International Mothers Conference (ICM). The weekend was packed full of presentations and keynote speakers, with one notable finding confirming that that wet hair does cause lifelong migraines.

 

“After living in the dark for generations, we can finally rest easy knowing that your inexplicable headache is a result of sleeping with wet hair, Bradley,” Susan Wong, a local mother, said while simultaneously addressing a panel of scientist mommies and scolding her idiot son.

 

This announcement comes after years of agonizing research by mothers worldwide, including the measurement of hair-to-moisture ratios, much to the chagrin of the children of the world.

 

Other new findings announced at the ICM include the discovery of cold water’s adverse effects on your health. The report doesn’t specify what health-harming effects cold water has, but the mothers have assured us that it’s very much true and that we should just be drinking warm water to settle our stomachs, goddamnit.

 

This revolutionary discovery came as a shock to many, and caused ripples of dissent to arise within the scientific community. Dr. Thomas Smith, a local neurologist, immediately told the mothers that their form of science was “patchy” at best and “devastatingly irresponsible” at worst. We here at The Strand disagree and are inclined to believe the scientist mommies, as it is well documented that mother knows best.

 

Another keynote speaker was Stephanie Lang, who has spent years proving that cancerous cell phone rays are only emitted if you’re using your right ear. Lang has already planned to attend next year’s ICM, as this year’s was a “truly enlightening place to learn more ways to boss my kids around. I mean, it’s all for the sake of their health. This is what real science is all about.”

 

The ICM was a site for discussion as well as for teaching, as demonstrated in two organized debates. Saturday’s debate focused on the question of what time fruit is best eaten. Riya Patel argued that “the way fruit is digested means you shouldn’t eat it with a full stomach. It really messes with your body chemistry. There’s been lots of research.”

 

This was met with strong opposition from conference co-chair Kathy Chu, who maintained that, based on research, fruit should not be eaten on an empty stomach, as “the health effects all go away.” Neither mom specified where their research was from, but both gave very convincing arguments.

 

Sunday’s debate addressed the length of time that chewing gum stays in your digestive system. At the end of the debate, it was decided that this length of time would be changed from 12 years to five; a change that was met with applause. When approached for comment, Patel said: “misguided people may call this conference arbitrary, but our children always ask us where we come up with our health advice. It’s good that I have an answer now that’s reinforced by something proper and proven.”

 

The ICM encourages mothers to attend from early on in motherhood so that they can improve their parenting skills before their children learn to question them erroneously. Other events included a seminar on the most appropriate places to store sewing equipment (cookie tins were the resounding favourite) and an annual workshop on managing children’s use of technology.

 

“Even when I know that my Bradley’s doing his homework, it’s important that I still scold him for playing on his stupid phone,” said Wong. “At last year’s ICM, it was proven to be the #1 best way to encourage productivity.” Bradley Wong could not be reached for comment. We here at The Strand are tickled pink to know about these mom-approved health hacks and we look forward to next year’s discoveries!