Students distraught


Robarts Library was a signature of Toronto, featuring in film and television, and was widely considered an icon of Brutalist architecture. Nobody was prepared for last week, when Robarts and the adjoined Thomas Fisher Rare Books Library just kind of decided to leave, and blasted off into the sky. It’s become more and more clear that the library was actually some sort of alien vessel. Here are some eyewitness accounts from students who witnessed Robarts’s departure:

Thomas – 2nd year: “I’ve been saying that Robarts is one of those big robot things from the newest Zelda game since March. Turns out that in the air, it’s surprisingly much more aerodynamic than it looks. I always assumed that no human could design something so hideous, so this alien theory checks out to me.”

Leo – 3rd year: “I’ve studied there for two years, and I haven’t yet found an ugly enough place to go instead. I’ve been trying the basement of the Health Sciences building but it just isn’t the same. I can’t go back to my bedroom—something about the natural light coming in through my window and the relative clearness of the air really puts me off.”

Molly – 3rd year: “Nobody knew what those bizarre air-lock looking things on the sides of the building were. It turns out that they were exactly that. To be honest, I’m not even surprised. How could we have been so blind?”

Alex – 2nd year: “There was always a weird smell around the 13th floor stacks, where I study. Everyone thought it was me, but after this, aliens are the more logical answer—for sure.

Helen – 4th year: “My friend and I saw these grimy-looking figures huddled on the ground in the aftermath. We thought they were grad students, but maybe there had been alien prisoners stowed on board. I think it’s all a hoax, personally. Like, Robarts in general.”

James – 1st year: “If Robarts was an alien ship, then the Starbucks workers there are aliens too. My friends have been aliens all this time. I COULD BE AN ALIEN. OH GOD, WHAT’S NEXT, PRESIDENT ROBINS IS AN ALIEN?!”

“Zarclon” – no year given: “Wait, we’re talking about the alien thing? Yeah, I’m just a transfer student, zero clue what’s going on. Super weird. My name’s actually Zac, I think I said it wrong earlier. I’m leaving.”

The University is expected to roll out a campaign for a new building design, voted on by students and faculty. Rumoured frontrunners for the design are an enormous statue of university President Gertler, a concrete whale, and a to-scale replica of Alcatraz.