From the perspective of a dude who interrupted me and my friends at a bar

Illustration by Lynn Hong

You know, I just don’t get excited about music anymore. It seems like More Life is the only album that will really matter for the next two to three weeks, right? Everyone’s talking about it day and night but, you know what, it didn’t really do it for me. Anyways, what did you say your name was again?

I mean, it’s interesting how it’s a playlist. Not an album or a mixtape, but a playlist. Like what makes it so different, Aubrey? Remember when we didn’t take him this seriously—man, I miss the Take Care days. I mean, Kendrick and Drake toured together then! Everything Drake does has a shelf-life of two years now—like, remember “Pop Style?” Took 12 hours to even make a dent in my complex consciousness. Before that Grammy, he was raw—I think he knows he’s corny and plays it up! It’s definitely a reflection of our post-postmodern society and how sentimentality is becoming ironic; I doubt if my general disposition and constant talking over you indicated this, but I study philosophy. Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to knock that $8 vodka cran out of your hand with my uncomfortable gesticulation!

And what’s with all those accents! Maybe I shouldn’t be the one to speak on this, but hey, let’s be devil’s advocate here—I just think it’s all a bit convoluted. Why keep switching accents when you’re from Forest Hill and grew up on Degrassi? Have you seen the memes about this? So, it’s multiple Spidermen… Wait, you’re right, there is nothing more boring than someone explaining an Internet joke over the din of a loud bar. Anyways, do you want some of this half-drank beer?

“Passionfruit” is really good though—really gets you in the, uh, mood. Oh, you don’t want me to say that? That’s fair, would you prefer to hear me defend the last third of the album’s dry and fading tracks when the first twelve are definitely the freshest material he’s produced in a while? I’m going to assume you staring deeply into your drink with glazed over look is a big “yes!”

Maybe “Star67” is the best Drake song ever, but no song will ever compare to the sound of my own voice droning on about my lukewarm, yet aggressive, takes. In my humble opinion, I would have definitely done the track listing way different. Views was ten tracks too long but still wasn’t enough to appease my need to take down any and all art I can’t create myself. Wow, you’re a really fast walker—let me hold that cab door open for you and your two other friends that are also clearly ignoring me.

I’ll definitely be sure to text the completely fake number you gave me with photos of my “Awaken My Love!” vinyl and any further extremely unnecessary opinions about music I can shout into the void!