Listen up readers: Some university students do not have the privilege of living on residence devoid of any financial obligation. Some university students don’t get to have sex all the time. Some of us have to work in retail, surrounded by managers and bosses that are mean, grumpy, and vindictive. I have discovered that the only way to ease the chronic, daily pain I must deal with as a subordinate to complete strangers is to foster with them the most intimate relationship I can think of. I have made my employer my mommy. It is for you, dear reader, that I have compiled strategies, tips, and tricks that will foster a healthy, parental relationship between you and your employer so that you too can be with your mommy at all times, even at work.
Tip # 1: Call your employer Mommy or Daddy (depending on their SPECIFIED, chosen gender pronoun)
You’re going to want to do this right off the bat. Don’t play it off like a grade four mistakenly calling his teacher mommy! This is intentionally part of the plan. You are sowing your seed early. You wanted this to happen and you will never apologize for it.
Tip #2: Give them an Acrostic Poem
OMG, you have to do this one. Remember when you were younger and you gave your mom a card that spelled out her name, for instance: Bernadette. B—beautiful mommy, E—exquisite mommy, R – rambunctious mommy, N—no-nonsense mommy, A—A+ mommy. You get the picture. This poem will let your employer know that you know how to spell their name, which means that you love them, they are just the greatest employer ever in the history of Mommy employers, and finally, that they are worthy of unconditional love, reminiscent of or exactly like a child loving his Mommy or Daddy. That seed is budding now.
Tip #3: Draw them a Picture
Not just any picture. This picture must be drawn as if you were a child. Like when you, yourself, drew pictures for your mommy. You preferably want to draw a circular head with large circular hands and spikes for fingers, which clasp your employers hand and signify again that you have a close genuine connection to the “team” and her as your boss/Mother.
Tip #4: Put on a talent show for them
Moms and dads love it when you perform magic tricks that you tried your hardest to perfect, or so I’ve been told. Your employer would definitely appreciate all the hard work you have put in vying for their undying love and affection. Employers love it when you show initiative, so give them an intimate performance, thusly solidifying that blooming relationship.
Tip #5: Forge her signature and change your new Mommy’s will to benefit you when she dies
The fifth and final one is super tricky, not going to lie! You will need whiteout, a pen, and a very steady hand. Change your guardian’s signature to your employer’s. “But Lucas”, you may say, I am already legally an adult, and that there is no hope in getting myself a new Mommy. Well, there’s only one thing to do mister. Change your D.O.B, you dork.