Second-year student James Culus announced this morning that he finally built up the confidence to birth/unleash a baby turdzilla in the co-ed bathrooms of his Margaret Addison Hall residence. “I told my roommate I was going to brush my teeth,” Culus told reporters at a press conference on Thursday.
“Little did he know, I was going to butt-blast a month’s worth of Burwash meals.”
Culus described how he was at first skeptical of making batches of ass coffee in the same bathroom as everyone else on the floor. For the entirety of his high school career, Culus held in his bum chocolate until he got home at the end of the day. In first year, he enjoyed the relative privacy of a Lower Burwash bathroom, shared with a close confidant from high school. “Before this, the longest I’d gone was when we went on a class camping trip for a weekend, but this past month was a real challenge. I even considered buying a plane ticket back to BC just so I could feel the smooth caress of the crap throne in my own home,” Culus explained.
Culus expressed optimism for the rest of the year. “I think what I’ll do from now on is set an alarm for 4 AM every night so I can be sure to have the bathroom to myself. I would really prefer the others on the floor not hear my rectum yodel as I scatter bomb the deuce bucket,” Culus noted.
As of press time, Culus had yet to use the shower.
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