Illustrations by Varvara Nedilska

“Sometimes, modern dating can be difficult to navigate. With a plethora of dating apps and sites and too many bars to choose from in a city as cold as Toronto in February, it can seem as though there’s no chance for romance for aspiring writers spending their weekends in Room 153 of the Goldring Student Centre. Campus may be cynical, but there is nothing more jaded than a single UofT student. We couldn’t help but wonder—is there any hope for student journalists looking to find love?” — Carrie Bradshaw

 


Position
HBIC

What’s your type?
Mansplaining PoliSci Majors

What do you do if someone ghosts you?
Write a longform article about it and put it on page 14 of The Strand.

What’s the best way for a suitor to contact you?
Write a missedconnection™ about me being the Art Girl Of Your Dreams on the Yonge-University-Spadina Line Subway at 11:30pm—I’m the one with the Kanken backpack and Warby Parker glasses

 

 

 

 


Position
Features Editor

Biggest turn-on?
Someone who can demystify British slang for me. Teach me how I can be “peng” and “butters” at the same time, as Skepta says, for the love of God

Biggest turn-off?
Praising Mediocrity. Ariana Grande has more “range” than Mariah Carey? I can’t engage with such hate speech. Don’t take this road, be fearful…

What’s the best way for a suitor to contact you?
Morning texts if you’re expecting an afternoon reply. I mean, how else am I to ponder why 24K Magic is not getting the global recognition it deserves? [Insert Roll Safe Meme]

 

 

 

 

 


Position
@vicecanada Jr. Reporter

If you have one, tell us a Tinder horror story
When former VUSAC president and The Strand alum Ben Atkins messaged me asking me if I went to UofT

Biggest turn-on?
When a self-employed dude at Dance Cave tells me about that one time he “popped a molly” in college

What’s your type?
The 30-year-old Alt Bro In An Existential Crisis Starter Pack
 

 

 

 

 


Position
Sexy Stranded Editor; B.A. Sex; M.A. Sex; Ph.D. Sexy Sex

Biggest turn-off?
SJWs, snowflakes

What do you do if someone ghosts you?
This would never happen to me, I am highly sought after as a lover and anyone would JUMP at and REMAIN within the chance to be with me—next question!

What’s the best way for a suitor to contact you?
Make a donation to Black Lives Matter and email me with the receipt

 

 

 

 

 


Position
Senior Copy Editor (???)

Biggest turn-on?
Someone who’s about an inch shorter than me so our proportions function fine, but I’ll always be looking down on you

Biggest turn-off?
Someone who’s about an inch taller than me

What’s your biggest accomplishment in life?
I finally got my G1! I’ve had it for a year now and it makes getting drinks seem so much more adult-like! Barkeep: “Do you have ID?” Me: “I pushed buttons on a screen at Service Ontario and it said I won!”

 

 

 

 

 


Position
Opinions Editor—and yet, somehow still always a bottom

If you have one, tell us a Tinder horror story
Once, I went on what I thought was a date with this cool girl, but then she mentioned her girlfriend, so I thought, “That sucks, but whatever.” A few months later, I went on another so-called date with a different girl from Tinder, who was also in a relationship, and she ended up being the girlfriend of the first girl

What’s your type?
A+

Describe your Perfect Date
The person brings me a Panera mac n’ cheese bread bowl and then leaves

 

 

 

 


Position
Quarterback

What’s your biggest accomplishment in life?
Breaking up with someone even though they owned Jane Birkin records

Describe your Perfect Date
Gluten-free

What’s the best way for a suitor to contact you?
caffiends@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

 


Position
Arts N Culture Co-Redditor

If you have one, tell us a Tinder horror story
Fell in love… Yikes!

What’s your biggest accomplishment in life?
Being gay

What’s the best way for a suitor to contact you?
PayPal

 

 

 

 

 


Position
Editorial Ass(istant)

What’s your type?
“Your Type,” by Carly Rae Jepsen

Describe your Perfect Date
Us, at Ned’s, sharing a samosa

What’s the best way for a suitor to contact you?
Alphabet soup?

 

 

 

 

 


Position
Photo Editor

Biggest turn-on?
Beards and tailored suits [fans self]

What do you do if someone ghosts you?
Ghost them back—viciously

What’s the best way for a suitor to contact you?
Carrier-pigeon, all DM slides are either ignored or sent to my friends

 

 

 

 

 


Position
Design Police

What’s your type?
The Bebas typeface

What’s your biggest accomplishment in life?
Finally resetting my sleep schedule by staying up for 34 hours

What’s the best way for a suitor to contact you?
Anonymously pay off my student debt

 

 

 

 

 


Position
The Paper Boy, of course

Biggest turn on?
“Oh you’re from Boston? I love Boston!”

Biggest turn off?
“Do a Boston accent,” No! I’m not your parakeet!

Describe your Perfect Date
May the Fourth

 

 

 

 

 


Position
Nudes Editor

Biggest turn-on?
When someone ghosts me

Biggest turn-off?
When someone ghosts me

What do you do if someone ghosts you?
Ask them if they’ve seen The Sixth Sense

 

 

 

 

 


Position
Editorial Assistant

What’s your type?
Anyone that my dad would disapprove of

What’s your biggest accomplishment in life?

Inserting a DivaCup successfully (it is NOT that easy)

What’s the best way for a suitor to contact you?

Burwash Dining Hall

 

 

 

 


Position
Currently last, I suck at every Mario Kart game

If you have one, tell us a Tinder horror story
One time, I was in the forest alone and I needed a fire, so I tried to find some dry twigs to use as tinder, but I couldn’t find any

Biggest turn-off?
Anarcho-capitalism

Describe your Perfect Date
Sweet, soft, and chewy??? Medjool dates are good, dates here are so expensive

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you want to date The Strand? Of course you do! Now accepting applications at our office—we’re serious, call us.