Author: Alexandra Scandolo

An open letter to 40-year-olds with jobs

 I would like to have your job—whether you like it or not. Please and thank you.   Hey 40-year olds with jobs, one question: how’d you get that job? Now that I’m graduating, I just want you to know that I’m coming for ya. I’m bright-eyed and naive, willing to buy coffee for hire. I’m soooooo much cheaper than you! I heard you don’t want to retire. That’s nice, but that’s not going to work for me, unfortunately. Think about how much work I’ll do for so much less pay than you! Doesn’t that <i>scare<i> you a bit! It should—I’m going to take your job right after June 2017.   I’m planning on moving back into my parents’ house this summer. It’s kind of a bummer to tell acquaintances when they ask, “hey, what’s up?” and I interpret it as a chance to mention my grand “Get Rich Slowly By The Time I’m 55” plan. I’m gonna get to live rent-free in the basement while my parents cook me everything; think of how much money I’m gonna save and how little my resume will have improved by the time September rolls around!   It’s nice that I can so easily get a job in this economy—like you did when you were 20, current 40-year-olds with steady salaries. For instance, if I just wanted a cool job—like a secretary, a bread-maker, a doctor—all I have to do is put...

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Tinder art bro reportedly “a complete asshole”

Local cool and hot woman left deleting phone conversations and unfollowing accounts of a man she met on the dating app because “she honestly just like, doesn’t understand what could have even happened” The teens (read: grown ass adults) have been engaging in some emotionally damaging dating tactics. It’s called Ghosting—never heard of Ghosting? Congratulations on pretending like you’ve never downloaded dating app/nightmare Silicon Valley project Tinder. This fucking dumpster fire of an app not only crashes all the time, but it will let you build a contrived relationship with someone who will leave you high, dry, and screaming...

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Kicking 2016 out the door

Ugh, worst year ever…Now what? So, you feel like you have had the worst year on record. Many iconic artists and actors were lost, and the year was highlighted by politically charged events both shocking and disappointing for many, like the election of Donald Trump. The weight of it all feels crushing for many, and to think, it all happened in just one calendar year. Every January feels like a triumphant way to hit reset, but this time, the need to leave the year behind felt particularly palpable. In tending to the wounds caused by events of the past year, the desperation to cross the 2016 finish line was felt everywhere, from holiday dinner tables to Twitter timelines....

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