I would like to have your job—whether you like it or not! Please and thank you.

Hey 40-year olds with jobs, one question: how’d you get that job? Now that I’m graduating, I just want you to know that I’m coming for ya. I’m bright-eyed and naive, willing to buy coffee for hire. I’m soooooo much cheaper than you! I heard you don’t want to retire. That’s nice, but that’s not going to work for me, unfortunately. Think about how much work I’ll do for so much less pay than you! Doesn’t that scare you a bit! It should—I’m going to take your job right after June 2017.

I’m planning on moving back into my parents’ house this summer. It’s kind of a bummer to tell acquaintances when they ask, “hey, what’s up?” and I interpret it as a chance to mention my grand “Get Rich Slowly By The Time I’m 55” plan. I’m gonna get to live rent-free in the basement while my parents cook me everything; think of how much money I’m gonna save and how little my resume will have improved by the time September rolls around!

It’s nice that I can so easily get a job in this economy—like you did when you were 20, current 40-year-olds with steady salaries. For instance, if I just wanted a cool job—like a secretary, a bread-maker, a doctor—all I have to do is put “typing” on my list of special skills and I’m in! There’s definitely not an over-saturation of young adults with liberal arts degrees here in Canada; I personally think it’s refreshing that I am able to over-analyse anything at the drop of a hat! Just the other day I had a thought about writing a thinkpiece on Squash—wow! So weird and unnecessary! LOL!

Anyway, I hope you know that your jobs aren’t safe. I have so much charisma and pent-up anxiety that I’m willing to swerve into your boss’s junk mail with an overeager cold-email about how I am “the ideal candidate,” even if it’s for sales or something Boring like that.

Here’s the thing: I am so tired! I just spent four years learning about Hegel or Derrida or someone in that vein. Just… give me your job, please! I promise I will work very hard, I will also build myself into being just like you in 20 years—if the world can hang on that long. Life is so fleeting, 40-year old, why not play golf in Florida like everyone else relinquishing their death grips on desk jobs across the country? Florida’s nice! But, you know what’s nicer? Me being employed.

I have approximately five endorsed skills on LinkedIn and a resume made on Adobe InDesign—what more do you want? My millennial entitlement makes me incredibly hard working when you give me exactly what I want. I’m glad we’ve established that I am Great and you need to Go. Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.